Don't Spam the Warners
by SkepticalIdealist
Summary: The water tower has been receiving lots of spam through e-mail and Usenet lately. Don't think Yakko, Wakko, and Dot will let this go unpunished. Read as they make witty commentaries on each spam message and then give their senders their just desserts! (Just desserts often not included.)
1. CHEAP CIGARETTES ONLINE

Hello, and welcome to a new series where Yakko, Wakko, and Dot riff on spam found on the Animaniacs Usenet group, or other similar newsgroups.

This particular message was found on alt_dot_tv_dot_tiny-toon (curse you, formatting). I can honestly say that the title alone convinced me to give it a shot. Under normal circumstances, I'd put a disclaimer here giving all credit to the author, but in this case, I wouldn't be surprised if this was actually written by a drunken robot.

* * *

(Interior: Water tower. The Warner siblings are hunched over an IBM PC from the early 90's.)

YAKKO: Hi, everybody! We're here on Usenet to check how many fans have left messages on our newsgroup in the 16 years since our cancellation!  
WAKKO: Because maybe with enough messages, they'll pick us up again!  
DOT: That's assuming the network hasn't folded...  
YAKKO: Aw, what are the chances of that? Let's take a look!

(The Warners click on a link, taking them to the Animaniacs newsgroup, where only one new message is seen in the inbox.)

ALL: ...huh.  
YAKKO: Well, _this_ doesn't bode well.  
DOT: Hey, maybe it's one of those online petition thingies! What's it say?  
WAKKO (reading subject line): CHEAP..CIGARETTES..ONLINE...IF..WE..EVER..MEET..IN..PERSON..YOU..WILL..BE..DEAD..BEFORE..EXCHANGING..A..WORD

(All three stare in silence for about ten seconds)

YAKKO: Uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...somehow, I don't think that's going to be an effective business model.  
DOT: Well, maybe he just happens to be a fan of the show!  
WAKKO: Maybe it's Weed Memlo!  
YAKKO: That little squirt?  
DOT: I doubt it. He didn't even show up to the Big Wrap Party.

_WORK N0 MORE!_

WAKKO: Really?  
ALL: **YAY!**

_Those days are over._

ALL: _Awwwwwwwww..._

_GET INSTANT SPAM 100%!_

WAKKO: Aren't we doing that now?  
DOT: Usenet, Wakko.

_Did you ever think a MONEY MAKING SCHEME doesnt work?_

YAKKO: Not if you're Bernie Madoff...

_Now it does! Our SPAM 2000 (TM) will help you_  
_GUARANTEED with our BLACK LABEL CASH FORMULA_

YAKKO: ...we'll give your car a complete makeover for only $19.95!

_Our friends told us:_

WAKKO: "We're not friends anymore!"  
DOT: "Get real jobs!"  
YAKKO: "Stop e-mailing me or I'll call the cops!"

_"Privacy Rules!"_

WAKKO: **WHOO!** PRIVACY! (waves giant foam "we're number one" finger)  
YAKKO: Uh...where did you find that?  
WAKKO: Junk drawer, right next to the Honus Wagner card and the Jarts.  
DOT: We really need to clean that thing out...

_to which we replied:_  
_SPAM 24 Hours 7 Days SCAM 100%!_

DOT: Would it have hurt to give your reply in an actual sentence?

_ONLY with our SPAM 2000 Package Deal!_  
_Dr. Cyber says: "It works like magic"_

YAKKO: Dr. Cyber? Sounds like a guy with a couple of screws loose.  
WAKKO: "And now I can go back to building my hypnotic suntan machine"  
DOT: That's...great, Dr. Cyber. Here's your morning medication.

_Cyber is a TRUSTED AUTHORITY in the marketing field_

YAKKO: (sputters, bursts into uncontrollable laughter)  
DOT: Yeah, that's like saying you're the "least confrontational" politician in Congress.

_Search engine manipulation is the best GET RICH SCHEME ever!_

WAKKO: It can also throw you in jail for ten years!

_Britney Spears from California_

DOT: *gag*  
YAKKO: Now _there's_ a nurse I wouldn't wanna hello. Trouble written all over it...

_tried us and says:_  
_"Now I'm rich many more things are possible._

DOT: Like going into rehab in Antigua and shaving my head!

_My only problem now is where to park all my cars."_

DOT: On the railroad crossing, perhaps?  
YAKKO: Oops, I did it ag-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIINNNNNNNNNN!  
WAKKO: *makes crashing, banging, explosion sound effects*

_Why work if you can BECOME RICH in 10 days?_

WAKKO: I can become Rich Karlis, former kicker for the Denver Broncos? Faboo!

_GOOGLE SPAM is your chance to EARN CA$H LIVE!_

YAKKO: Thank God. No more having to earn ca$h on tape delay.

_We will help you deliver CHEAP CIGS right to your customers_

DOT: Who are too lazy to just go over to the local 7-Eleven.

_Using their credit cards on our website!_

WAKKO: Wait, I'm confused. First this was about spam, then search engine manipulation, and now it's about credit card fraud?  
YAKKO: Pretty soon, we'll be hearing about all the benefits of joining the Westboro Baptist Church...

_Your privacy guaranteed!_

DOT: Aw, that's nice. At least OUR privacy won't be criminally violated.

_WE will help YOU_

YAKKO: ...say every OTHER word WITH dramatic EMPHASIS!

_process your orders within seconds!_  
_You can start at absolutely NO COST!_

WAKKO: Except for your dignity, your reputation, and your time NOT spent behind bars, that is.

_No Investment!_  
_Please sign up with anybody's FAKE CREDIT CARDS_

DOT: This is just getting comical.  
YAKKO: And while you're at it, feel free to kick their puppies, drown their children, and clog their shredder!

_Act now!_  
_CLICK HERE www.******-*********-******.*** $$$CASH$$$_  
_SIGN UP your online friends and you SAVE 20% INSTANT DISCOUNT_

YAKKO: Wait, I thought this was "NO COST! No Investment!"  
DOT: You were paying attention?

_Without Risk of Being Reported to ANY Government Agency_

WAKKO: If your spam has to make THAT promise, then...

_as WE assure YOU that WE operate beyond ALL international laws!_

WAKKO (imitating the Brain): Because soon, WE will make all international laws!  
YAKKO (imitating Pinky with spooky accuracy): Bah-rilliant, Brain!  
WAKKO+DOT: (Stare at Yakko awkwardly)  
YAKKO: What? I do voice acting on the side.

_Your SUCCESS is guaranteed because we take all the ILLEGAL RISK._

YAKKO: No! That's my favorite strategy board game! You monsters!

_This SPAM FREE offer is 100% LEGAL._

WAKKO: We're _so_ convinced.

_Don't delay - ORDER TODAY!_

DOT: Heh heh...rhyme.  
YAKKO: How about, "Don't wallow in sorrow - order tomorrow"?  
WAKKO: Or, "Give us a nod, and you'll be imprisoned for fraud"?  
DOT: Or, "Send us your cash, and agents from the FBI will appear at your front door with arrest warrants in hand, in a flash"?

_READ the testimonials of SEVERAL THOUSANDS of our happy clients:_

YAKKO: _This_ oughta be good...  
DOT: And in three days, my pants dropped nine sizes!

_NUDiSM lESboyZ PIcCs ChICkT VidEOXxx SEvrAN leSbens 97425 tHemSElFS_

WAKKO: Gah! This went dark fast!  
YAKKO: Well, those testimonials have surely convinced me to buy their product...  
DOT: Jeez, I know people had weird fetishes, but this...

_yOurBAckyard kOnTaKtyHtTp hUMBpiCS PICtuRIEs WhOrEZTitS phiLiPPenES_

YAKKO: Heh. That line was actually cut from my "Nations" song.  
DOT: Philippines? This is really not the best example of a tourism ad.  
YAKKO: Well, look at it this way. They could either promote deadly typhoons or "PICtuRIEs WhOrEZTitS".  
DOT: How much more of this?  
WAKKO (scrolling down): Uhh...this is actually 90% of the article.  
YAKKO: We _really_ need better spam filters.  
WAKKO (still scrolling): OK, here we go!

_FREE BONUS: Unlimited Access to the TOP 50,000 of the_  
_Most ILLEGAL Teen Hardcore Shemale Movies LIVE!_

YAKKO: You mean, like, Sarah Jessica Parker's filmography?  
DOT: ...huh?  
YAKKO: Well, just **look** at her!

_WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? WE SHIP CIGS WORLDWIDE!_

WAKKO: Jeez, does this writer have ADD or what?

_What's offered here is 100% beneficial for your health and wallet._

DOT: That's what they said about those ionized bracelets.

_The best quotes from the nation's top marketing companies!_

YAKKO: ...can be found on a "Stupidest Things Ever Said" calendar.

_This simple, easy, and profitable SPAM PROGRAM is_  
_The best way to make an EXCELLENT INCOME at home._

WAKKO: Aside from making iRiffs, that is.

_Yes you read it right - Spamming like crazy 24/7_

YAKKO (rapping): Breaking digital law, it's like I'm in heaven...  
WAKKO: (hits Yakko squarely on the head with his mallet)  
DOT: Thank you.  
YAKKO: Uuuuuuuurrrrggghhh...

_Discrete and Inexpensive methods will still work in a million years._

DOT: Whereas _our_ scheme will work for one week, tops, before the fuzz catches up.

_YOU can TRUST YOUR BUSINESS_

WAKKO: After this, I'm not sure if I can trust my own feet.

_with OUR FREE COMMERCIAL LEADS!_  
_ORDER your first Package of BLACK LABEL CASH FORMULA_

YAKKO: Wasn't that the stuff that the Venom symbiote was made out of?

_Within days you will be seeing the result in your pocket!_

DOT: Literally! We've perfected the molecular pocket transfer process!  
WAKKO: Scotty, beam me up!

_Download our Free Antivirus Database and ORDER our Cancer Virus NOW!_

YAKKO: The proper term is "oncovirus", actually. But nice try.

_Since the loss of our NEW YORK office on the death of General San_  
_Allah the late president of Nigeria on September 11, 2001_

ALL: (cough uncomfortably)  
DOT: Thank you, moving on!

_ILLEGAL 100% Anonymous Credit Cards in YOUR wallet are OUR BUSINESS!_

WAKKO: That is, in addition to the distribution of cigarettes, spam software, and pornography...

_Try it now! CLICK HERE: www.*****-**********.com_

DOT: So, **this** is the only Animaniacs fan left on the newsgroup, huh?  
WAKKO: Wouldn't surprise me one bit.  
YAKKO: (blows kiss to audience) Good night, everybody!


	2. Turn 6 into 60,000 in 90 days

(Interior: Water tower. The Warner siblings are currently partaking in a game of Marco Polo, albeit a more bizarre version than the one typically played in city pools across the world.)

YAKKO (Walking with arms outstretched, on the ceiling): Marco!  
DOT (same, but on wall): Polo!  
WAKKO (Walking in place on floor with his head up against the wall): Wakko!  
YAKKO: Groucho!  
DOT: Disco!

(Everyone pauses, continuing their unusual walk cycles for a few seconds, until...)

YAKKO: Anyone know what actually we're supposed to DO in this game?  
WAKKO: Don't look at me. I wanted to play TV Tag!

(All of a sudden, alarms go off all around the tower, and flashing lights illuminate the room in red. In response, Wakko turns around, and Yakko and Dot both drop from where they were walking)

YAKKO: We have Red Alert! You know what that means!  
WAKKO: Pauly Shore got another starring role?  
YAKKO: No, that's _Green _Alert.  
DOT: Another message from our adoring fans?  
YAKKO: Riiiiiiiiiiiight!

(After a beat, all three siblings turn to the camera and snicker.)

WAKKO: Who are we kidding?  
DOT: Probably another pyramid scheme...  
YAKKO: Come on!

* * *

(The Warners rev up, then dash off-screen to their antique mid-90s IBM PC to read the message.)

DOT: What's it say?  
YAKKO: "Turn $6 into $60,000 in 90 days, GUARANTEED"!  
WAKKO: Oh, goody! I love magic shows!

* I found this in a news group and decided to try it.

YAKKO: And now I have roof shingles lodged in my armpits. It was so worth it!

* A little while back,  
* I was browsing through news groups, just like you are now

WAKKO: How do you know what I'm doing right row? What dark powers do you have? Answer me!

* and came  
* across a message just like this, that said you could make thousands of  
* dollars within weeks with only an initial investment of $6.00!

DOT: So I reported it to the newsgroup admin and had it deleted. That was the highlight of my day. Now back to watching the $100,000 Pyramid.

* So I thought yeah right,

YAKKO: Yeah, right, like you've ever made a thought.

* this must be a scam! But like most of us, I  
* was curious, so I kept reading.

DOT: Overall, it was a lot more captivating than The Inheritance Cycle.

* Anyway, it said that you send $1.00 to  
* each of the 6 names and addresses stated in the message.

WAKKO: And I'll get a 12-month subscription to Poultry World Magazine.

* You then place  
* your own name and address at the bottom of the list at #6 and post the  
* message in at least 200 news groups. (There are thousands).

YAKKO: Why, oh why, could he have not started with alt-dot-tv-dot-simpsons?

* No catch,  
* that was it.

WAKKO: Uhhh..."Things you would say to former Buccaneers wide receiver Bert Emmanuel?"  
YAKKO: Correct!

* So after thinking it over, and talking to a few people first.

DOT: Got any more sentence for us, spam?

* I thought  
* about trying it. I figured, what have I got to lose except 6 stamps and  
* $6.00, right? So I invested the measly $6.00! Guess what?

WAKKO: The next day, two burly men came to take away all my furniture! "Great idea!" I said. "It's only six dollars!" I said.  
YAKKO: Okay, that's enough, Wakko.

* Within 7  
* days I started getting money in the mail! I was shocked! I figured  
* it would end soon, but the money just kept coming in!

DOT: By the end of the month, I started using $100 bills to feed my cat!

* In my first  
* week, I had made about $25.00. By the end of the second week, I had made  
* a total of over $1,000.00!

YAKKO: Now I'm one-sixteenth of the way to paying off my '82 Cimarron!

* In the third week, I had over $10,000.00  
* and it is still growing! This is now my fourth week and I have made a  
* total of just over $42,000.00 and it is still coming in rapidly!

WAKKO: Even now, there's a dump truck full of Sacagawea dollars approaching my driveway!

* It's certainly worth $6.00 and 6 stamps!

WAKKO: Well, that would require a very stretched definition of the word "worth".  
YAKKO: Remember, kids, 6 is equal to 42,000.

* I have spent more than that on the  
* Lottery!

DOT: A lot more! In fact, I'm still not even halfway to paying off Big Lenny!

* Let me tell you how this works and most importantly, why it works!

YAKKO: Yes, please indulge me on how the people on this six-person "list" not only keep sending me money, but exponentially increase the amount of money to the point where my initial investment would increase by a factor of 7,000-fold

in one month.  
WAKKO: Isn't he supposed to get to the "sawing a woman in half" trick by now?  
DOT: It's not actually a magic show, Wakko.  
WAKKO: It's not? Darn, I wanted to see him pull a rabbit out of his pants.

* Also, make sure you  
* print a copy of this message now.

WAKKO: Literally, now. Even as I speak, you're three seconds behind! Don't you hear me? Now, now **NOW!**

* So you can get the information off of  
* it as you need it. I promise you that if you follow the directions  
* exactly, that you will start making more money than you thought possible  
* by doing something so easy!

DOT: Schemes like this have been made obsolete by the YouTube Partner program.

* Suggestion: Read this entire message carefully! (Print it out or  
* download it.)

YAKKO: Or you can test our new experimental "direct brain implant" method.

* Follow the simple directions and watch the money come  
* in! It's easy! It's legal! Your investment is only $6.00 (plus  
* postage).

DOT: That postage today would probably be _another_ $6.00.  
YAKKO (mumbling): Thanks a lot, Barack...

* IMPORTANT: This is not a rip-off! It is not  
* illegal! ?

WAKKO: Wow, even **he's** unsure of himself.

* It is almost entirely risk free and it really works! If  
* all of the following instructions are adhered to, you will receive  
* extraordinary dividends!

DOT: So, are you ever going to explain how this works-  
YAKKO (butting in): Yes, just follow these easy instructions and YOU, for only $6.00, will become filthy rich! No questions asked. (long pause) ...please.

* Please note: Follow these directions EXACTLY, and $60,000.00 or more can  
* be yours in 20 to 90 days!

WAKKO: Make it stop! This is getting more repetitive than the Hook movie!  
(Suddenly, an anvil drops onto Wakko's head with a loud CLANG!)  
WAKKO: Owwwww...  
DOT: Ooh, I think you just dissed someone important...

* This program remains successful because of  
* the honesty and the integrity of the participants!

YAKKO: The integrity of these people who are too lazy to earn this money through actual work.

* Please continue its  
* success by carefully adhering to the instructions.

DOT: Do not give _one extra cent_, or the entire system will be thrown off catastrophically!

* You will now become part of the mail order business.

ALL (monotone): Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own.

* In this business  
* your product is not solid or tangible,

YAKKO: Well, he sure has the second part right.

* it is a service. You are in the  
* business of developing mailing lists.

WAKKO: You are the few...the proud...the spammers.

* Many large corporations are happy to pay big bucks for  
* quality lists. However, the money made from a mailing list is secondary  
* to the income which is made from people like you and me asking to be  
* included on your mailing list!

DOT: Uurrrrrgh...I think that sentence just gave me a migraine headache.  
WAKKO: I know the feeling...

* Here are the 4 easy steps to success:  
* Step 1:

DOT: Wear your underwear outside your pants. The rest will flow naturally.

* Get 6 separate pieces of paper and write the following on each  
* piece of paper.

YAKKO: "Redrum".

* PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST

WAKKO: I promise my dog won't pee on your furniture!

* Now get 6 U.S. dollar bills and place ONE inside each of the 6 pieces of  
* paper so the bills will not be seen through the envelopes (to prevent  
* mail theft).

DOT: Which, as we know, is the worst thing that could possibly happen in this entire scheme.

* Next, place one paper in each of the 6 envelopes and seal  
* them, you should now have 6 sealed envelopes.

YAKKO (as the Count): Six! Six sealed envelopes! Ha ha ha!

* Each with a piece of paper  
* stating the above phrase, your name and address, and a $1.00 bill.  
* THIS IS ABSOLUTELY LEGAL!

ALL: Gah!  
WAKKO: Jeez! Give us a warning next time!

* YOU ARE REQUESTING A LEGITIMATE SERVICE AND  
* YOU ARE PAYING FOR IT!

WAKKO: Uhh..."things running through former Falcons safety Eugene Robinson's head on the week before Super Bowl XXXIII?"  
YAKKO: Correct!  
DOT (to audience): Your guess is as good as mine, people.

* Like most of us, I was a little skeptical and a little worried about the  
* legal aspect of it all. So I checked it out with the U.S. Postal Service

DOT: And they led me out of the building in handcuffs! Wow, what was I thinking?

* and they confirmed that it is indeed legal!

YAKKO: Sure, you can send your money to total strangers in your chain-letter scheme! You're wasting my time even asking!

* Mail the 6 envelopes to the following

WAKKO: ...suckers...Wait! I mean...

* addresses:

WAKKO: Yeah...uh...addresses...

* K. Costello  
* 20812 135 Ave SE  
* Kent, WA 98042  
* USA

DOT: Poor guy. Has two ZIP codes in his address. Must be confusing for the postmaster.  
YAKKO: Hmm...am I sending this to Kent, Washington, or Glen Echo, Maryland?

* R. Somerville  
* 2507-A Cypress Ln  
* Cedar Park, Tx 78613  
* USA

WAKKO: Note, "A Cypress Lane". It used to be "Twin Cypress Lane", but Marty McFly ran over the other one...  
YAKKO: Shh! You might tick off the big cheese again!

* S.C.B.  
* 28 Dalrymple Green N.W.  
* Calgary, A.B. T3A-1Y2  
* Canada

WAKKO: Dalrymple Green?  
YAKKO: The Bears are who we **_THOUGHT_** they were!  
DOT: Hopefully the next address isn't in Mexico. Otherwise we're gonna have a musical number on our hands.

* M. Velazquez  
* 5864 S.W. 8th Place  
* Gainesville, FL 32607  
* USA

DOT: And Velasquez sits in eighth place after failing to land a triple salchow in the short program...

* S.N. Chicago  
* 1070 W.64th St. # 11  
* LaGrange, Illinois 60525

WAKKO: Wow, his name is "S.N. Chicago" and he happens to live _near_ Chicago? What are the odds?

* K.G.W  
* 1609 Lakeview Drive  
* Hewlett, NY 11557

YAKKO: There are certain times in life where you can Hewlett the moon...

* Step 2: Now take the #1 name off the list that you see above, move the  
* other names up (6 becomes 5, 5 becomes 4, etc.) and add your name as  
* number 6 on the list.

DOT: Wow, more bad news for Mr. "K. Costello" from Kent, WA.  
WAKKO: Well, the Seahawks just won the Super Bowl, so he's got something going for him.

* Step 3: Change anything you need to,

YAKKO: That means you, Wakko.  
WAKKO: Hey, I went thirty minutes ago!

* but try to keep this message as  
* close to what you see as possible.

DOT: Carry it with you wherever you go. When questioned about it by a peer, simply exterminate him with your neuralizer before things get out of hand.

* Now, post your amended message to at  
* least 200 news groups. I think there are close to 24,000 groups!

YAKKO: Be sure to do us a favor and hit the 9/11 conspiracy theory newsgroups first.

* All you need is

WAKKO: Love?

* 200, but remember, the more you post, the more money you  
* make!

DOT: I'd be up to millions of dollars by now, but I got exhausted when I hit my 538th newsgroup.

* This is perfectly legal! If you have any doubts, refer to  
* Title18 sec. 1302 & 1341 of the postal lottery laws.

WAKKO: Uhh...according to this, I can get up to five years in jail for taking part in this...  
YAKKO: **PERFECTLY LEGAL!**

* Keep a copy of  
* these steps for yourself and whenever you need money, you can use it  
* again.

DOT: Whenever you run out of the $42,000 you will receive over the course of one month!

* Look at it this way. If you are of integrity,

YAKKO: Then you shouldn't touch this thing with a 100-foot pole.

* the program will continue  
* and the money that so many others have received will come your way!

WAKKO: So, they lose all their money to me? Isn't that kind of...  
YAKKO: **PERFECTLY FAIR!**

* Note: You may want to retain every name and address sent to you, either  
* on your computer or hard copy

YAKKO: Next on Hard Copy, chain-letter schemes and the women who love them!

* and keep the notes people send you. This  
* verifies that you are truly providing a service.

DOT: Leave out the "to my wallet, and only my wallet" part.

* Also, it might be a  
* good Idea to wrap the $1 bills in dark paper to reduce the risk of mail theft.

WAKKO: For added security, shred each bill into tiny bits and douse them in white chocolate.

* So, as each post is downloaded and the directions carefully followed,  
* six members will be reimbursed for their participation as a list  
* developer with one dollar each.

DOT (monotone): Yay. This was so worth it.

* your name will move up the list  
* geometrically so that when your name reaches the #1 position, you will  
* be receiving thousands of dollars in cash!

YAKKO: But...if everyone else signed up for this gets one dollar, then why do I get paid thousands of dollars? And where is this money coming from? And...oww, now _I_ have a migraine headache.

* What an opportunity for only $6.00! ($1.00  
* for each of the first six people listed above).

DOT: Figures that the only people dumb enough to fall for this are the ones who don't know basic multiplication.  
WAKKO: If only there was a song that could help them...  
YAKKO (humming): Seven times three is 21, which, as you know, is just two tens plus one...

* Send it now, add your own name to the list and your in business!

YAKKO: Uhh...I forget. Did we write a song for the "you're - your" homophone?  
WAKKO: Lemme check. (flips through Rolodex) Nations of the world, state capitals, human senses, Panama Canal...hmm...nope!  
YAKKO: Okay, then! (Grabs paper and pencil out of pants)

* DIRECTIONS FOR HOW TO POST TO A NEWS GROUP!

ALL: **GACK!**  
WAKKO: Seriously, cut that out!

* Step 1: You do not need to re-type this entire message to do your own  
* posting.

DOT: I figured this out too late. Boy howdy, that was heck on my carpal tunnel!

* Simply put your cursor at the beginning of this message and  
* drag your cursor to the bottom of this message

WAKKO: And hit the "Delete Forever and Ever and Ever" button.

* and select copy from the  
* edit menu. This will copy the entire message into the computer memory.

DOT: All 8 megabytes of it.  
WAKKO: We really need a new computer.

* Step 2: Open a blank note pad file and place your cursor at the top of  
* the blank page. From the edit menu select paste.

YAKKO (still writing): Uhh...anyone know what rhymes with "possessive"?  
DOT: Hmm...there's "progressive", "depressive"...  
YAKKO: Depressive! Perfect!  
WAKKO: Um... (taps Yakko on the shoulder) ...whatcha workin' on?  
YAKKO: "The Your/You're Song"! You won't believe how many curse words I've slipped into this one!  
WAKKO: Faboo!  
DOT: Thanks. The censors didn't despise us enough.  
YAKKO: The censors don't exist, Dot. You know this as well as I do.

* Step 3: Save your new notepad file as a txt file. If you want to do your  
posting in a different setting,

WAKKO: Such as the side of a cliff, or in front of an oncoming train...

* you'll always have this file to go back to.  
* Step 4: Use Netscape or Internet Explorer and try searching for various  
* news groups

DOT: Hereafter referred to as "fresh meat".

* (on-line forums, message boards, chat sites, discussions,  
* etc.)  
* Step 5: Visit these message boards and post this message as a new  
* message by highlighting the text of this message from your notepad and  
* selecting paste from the edit menu.

WAKKO: Wouldn't that just paste your message over the message you already had written?

* Fill in the subject, this will be  
* the header that everybody sees as they scroll through the list of  
* postings in a particular group.

DOT: And remember, nothing grabs readers' attention like threatening to kill them if you ever meet in person.

* Click the post message button. You've  
* done your first one!

WAKKO: And interrupted another "Joel vs. Mike" debate on alt-dot-tv-dot-mst3k.

* Congratulations! All You have to do is jump to  
* different news groups and post away, after you get the hang of it, it  
* will take about 30 seconds for each news group!

DOT: Out of 200 newsgroups, there's gotta be one admin out there that doesn't simply look at your message and delete it!

* REMEMBER, THE MORE NEWS GROUPS YOU POST IN, THE MORE MONEY YOU WILL  
* MAKE!

YAKKO (still writing): OKAY THEN! NOW STOP SHOUTING SUGGESTIONS AT PURE RANDOM! PEOPLE ARE WORKING HERE!

* (But you have to post a minimum of 200).  
* That's it! You will begin receiving money from around the world within  
* days!

WAKKO: Don't be alarmed when you receive thirty Polish Zlotys in the mail.

* You may eventually want to rent a P.O. Box due to the large  
* amount of mail you will receive.

DOT: And hope and pray that no one at the post office is smart enough to ask questions.

* If you wish to stay anonymous, you can invent a name to use,

WAKKO: How about this one? "Nicky Jiggleitalittleitllopen"?  
DOT: Taken.  
WAKKO: Crud.

* as long as the  
* postman will deliver it.  
* JUST MAKE SURE ALL THE ADDRESSES ARE CORRECT!

ALL: **GAH!**  
DOT: Has this guy ever heard of **bolding**?

* Now the why part.

WAKKO: _This_ oughta be good.

* Out of 200 postings, say you receive only 5 replies (a  
* very low example).

DOT (as Mindy): Why?

* So then you made $5.00 with your name at #6 on the  
* letter. Now, each of the 5 persons who sent you $1.00 make the minimum  
* 200 postings, each with your name at #5 and only 5 persons respond to  
* each of the original 5, that is another $25.00 for you.

DOT (ditto here): Why?

* Now those 25  
* each make 200 MINIMUM posts with your name at #4 and only 5 replies  
* each, you will bring in an additional $125.00! Now, those 125 persons  
* turn around and post the minimum 200 with your name at #3 and only  
* receive 5 replies each, you will make an additional $625.00!

WAKKO (again): Whyyyyy?

* OK, now here is the fun part, each of those 625 persons post a minimum 200  
* messages with your name at #2 and they each only receive 5 replies, that  
* just made you $3,125.00! Those 3,125 persons will all deliver this  
* message to 200 news groups, If just 5 more reply you will receive  
* $15,625.00! All with an original investment of only $6.00!

DOT+WAKKO (and again): **_Whyyyyyyyyyyy?_**

* Amazing isn't it!

DOT: Yep, so amazing it oughta be illegal.

* When your name is no longer on the list, you just take the  
* latest posting in the news groups and send out another $6.00 to the  
* names on the list, putting your name at number 6 again.

WAKKO: So, what happens when we run out of people to bilk?  
DOT: Economies collapse, World War III starts, Earth implodes.  
WAKKO: Oh. Well, not to say we didn't deserve it.

* You must realize that thousands of people all over the world are joining  
* the internet and reading these messages every day! Just like you are  
* now!

DOT: Uh-huh. Sure.

* So, can you afford $6.00 and see if it really works?

YAKKO (_still_ writing): ...imbecilic...wastes...of flesh. Perfect!  
DOT: Finally finished?  
YAKKO: Yep! We film tonight!

* I'm glad I  
* did! People have said, "what if the plan is played out and no one  
* sends you the money?" So what!

YAKKO: So, what'd I miss?  
WAKKO: The imminent destruction of the planet and all of its culture.  
YAKKO: If it means no more Beverly Hills Chihuahua movies, I can't wait.

* What are the chances of that happening,  
* when there are tons of new honest users and new honest people who are  
* joining the internet and news groups everyday and are willing to give it  
* a try?

YAKKO: Honest people willing to fool others out of their hard-earned cash!

* Estimates are at 20,000 to 50,000 new users, every day!  
* REMEMBER PLAY HONESTLY AND FAIRLY AND THIS WILL REALLY WORK!

YAKKO: Is that it?  
WAKKO: Yup!  
DOT: Well, _that_ was somethin', wasn't it?  
YAKKO: I can't help but think this was an ill-advised plan by the Brain to take over the world.  
WAKKO: Heh heh. Great guy, that Brain.  
DOT: Yup. I wish him luck.  
YAKKO: Ditto. Well, so long, audience! We're gonna go look up this guy's address.  
DOT: Wakko, where's the biggest anvil we got?  
WAKKO: It's already attached to the helicopter.  
YAKKO: Perfect. Good night, everybody!


	3. Two African Spam Classics

(Interior: Water tower. Yakko is sitting at the Warners' computer terminal, with phone in hand.)

YAKKO: Hello, is this President Goodluck Jonathan?

(Pause for answer.)

YAKKO: Greetings. This is Kenyan President...uh... (consults encyclopedia) ...Uhuru Kenyatta, with an urgent message. Due to a heck of a bank error, we don't know how this even happened, but we now have a surplus of _fifteen _nuclear missiles, which we will happily pass on to _you!_

(Pause again.)

YAKKO (salesman voice): ...Yes, just give us the coordinates to your capital building and we'll send you our entire nuclear arsenal, absolutely free! As a bonus, we'll throw in overnight shipping for no extra charge! Let me rephrase that..._lots_ of extra charge!

(Another pause)

YAKKO: Whoa, I didn't know they _had_ that many swear words in Nigeria...

(Dial tone. Yakko hangs up the phone, clearly satisfied with himself. At the very next moment, Wakko appears on screen, dangling by his feet from an unknown ledge.)

WAKKO: Um...whatcha doin'?  
YAKKO: Oh, nothin' much. Just prank calling the Nigerian president...dictator...whoever's runnin' the show over there.

(Dot leaps gracefully on screen from the right.)

DOT: Did we get one of those _lovely_ Nigerian scam messages?  
YAKKO: Absotively, bobaroonie! Two of them!  
WAKKO: Let's read them! I want to see what funny names the people have over there!  
YAKKO: You mean like, "Goodluck Jonathan"?

(Wakko drops down from the top of the screen, landing on his back on the floor, before proceeding to roll around laughing hysterically. Yakko and Dot look at each other while shrugging.)

YAKKO: You think that's bad? He also finds _Finn and Jake_ funny.  
DOT: (groans with disgust)

(Wakko finally regains composure enough to stand up, as Yakko clicks on the first message.)

* * *

* Sir,  
* I will advise that you read thoroughly and carefully, through this mail.

YAKKO: You have my undivided attention. (pauses for a second, then starts singing softly to himself) _That Big Red freshness lasts right through it_...

* This transaction is highly confidential and 100% risk  
* free.

WAKKO: If it's risk free, then why is it confidential?  
DOT: Nigeria, Wakko. Just roll with it.

* It should be strictly between you and me.I am a director in the  
* Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC)

YAKKO: And I hope that you've forgiven us for spilling those thousands of tons of crude oil into the Atlantic. That's the last time we let Old Man Peterson pilot the tanker...

* formerly  
* mandated to head the committee that looked into failed, uncompleted and  
* over-invoiced contracts in my ministry.

DOT: As a matter of fact, we're still conducting our investigation into that Alex Rodriguez contract.  
WAKKO: "Ministry"? Is there some kind of god of petroleum that they worship?  
YAKKO: Oh, great god Chevron-icus, give us your guidance!

* During the course of investigation it was found that the sum of US$  
* 21.5m[TwentyonemillionfivethousandUSDollar]

WAKKO (hyper): SorrybutIseemtohavesuddenlywasheddownfiftycupsofColombiancoffeemyarmsareshakingmakeitstopAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

* was  
* issued for an over invoiced contract but this said money is in the Central  
* Bank of Nigeria [CBN] suspense account.

YAKKO: CBN, huh? Is Pat Robertson their chief financial officer?  
DOT: Obscure joke. Google it.

* Owing  
* to the policy in the country as against public servants operating foreign  
* account and also to have that kind of huge amount  
* in our local accounts,

WAKKO: Well, that certainly makes sense...wait, _whaaaaaaa_?  
YAKKO: (facepalm)  
DOT: Did drunken lemurs write their financial law?  
YAKKO: Worse...Barney Frank.  
DOT: _That_ would explain a lot...

* I am soliciting

YAKKO: (blows kiss to audience) Good night, everybody!

* for an individual to transfer this  
* money into his foreign account for personal investment  
* purpose.

DOT: Um..can't you put the money into some offshore account somewhere..?  
YAKKO (butting in): Nope! We're passing it off to _you_, some random foreigner, because we _like_ you!

* Note clearly that this transaction has been well planned.

YAKKO: To screw you over as much as poss...no, wait!

* I have followed  
* all the required official contract award/ payment  
* procedures,

WAKKO: Including the ritual "trading of the pants" ceremony with our banker.

* and all documents to facilitate the smooth conclusion of this  
* transaction are

DOT: Falsified to perfection.

* legitimate and officially in order.  
* There is no problem, this contract is LEGAL.

WAKKO: Assuming that you are currently operating on a yacht floating 220 miles out of the jurisdiction of ours or any other country. If not, then tough luck!

* THIS TRANSACTION IS A  
* BUSINESS DEAL BETWEEN YOU AND I,

YAKKO: How about I send you Herschel Walker in exchange for seven draft picks instead?  
WAKKO: For those counting, that's our series' sixth shoehorned sports sendup.  
DOT: Say _that_ five times fast.

* BUT  
* IT IS LEGITIMATE AND GENUINE TO THE AUTHORITIES.

DOT: Translation – We asked our secretary, Edna, if it was legal, and she just shrugged and said "Whatever".

* I want to assure you that  
* you have nothing to fear about,

YAKKO (as FDR): ...but fear itself!  
WAKKO (as Goodluck Jonathan) And our country's own criminal code with regards to fraud!  
YAKKO (as FDR): Uh...well, there's that...

* your main priority should be to give us your total co-operation, and  
* follow my advice /instruction. You should consider this  
* transaction as already successful & concluded.

WAKKO: So...wait...we already have the money?  
ALL: _**YAY!**_  
DOT: I'm gonna buy me my own textile factory!  
YAKKO: I'm gonna purchase the St. Louis Rams and move them back here!  
WAKKO: That's number seven!

* What is required is for us to have you registered as a foreign contractor

WAKKO: Sorry, I ain't got da part on my truck. That'll be $500.

* with my ministry as category 'A' contractor for this I  
* would require you to provide me with

DOT: Hoo boy...here comes the catch...

* your company name,address and phone  
* with fax number for the registration,

ALL: Huh?  
YAKKO: No credit card numbers?  
WAKKO: No bank account numbers?  
DOT: No super-secret vault passcodes?  
YAKKO: You can't even spam properly! You're useless! What kind of Nigerian are you?!

* it is after  
* this has been done that I will make you the sole

WAKKO: Patsy...wait, no!

* beneficiary of the fund  
* and submit for payment processing to your  
* nominated account to the relevant ministry.

DOT: Relevant ministry? That crosses out Scientology.

* Consider this transaction as successful and completed for I have taken  
* care of all modalities and official procedures  
* involved legitimately and as required.

WAKKO: Uh...wait, I didn't give you anything!  
YAKKO: Is there no limit to his telepathic abilities?  
DOT: He can't be telepathic. If he read _your_ mind, he'd probably go blind from repulsion.  
YAKKO: No argument there.

* Note clearly that as top Government  
* officials in Nigeria,

YAKKO: Our own code of law means absolutely nothing to us!

* occupying very sensitive top  
* Government position we receive little salaries compared to our positions.

WAKKO: We keep trying to tell them that our ₦3,301,000,000 contracts are too little to survive on!  
YAKKO: That's $20 billion in U.S. currency, for those wondering.  
DOT: Way to explain the joke, Gallagher.

* Once more I want you to understand that this  
* transaction is 100% risk free.

DOT: For _me_. You, on the other hand, are licked six ways from Sunday.

* We will discuss the percentage to be given to you before we proceed.

WAKKO: Zero! Ha ha ha ha ha! Wait...shoot, I jumped the gun again. Can we start over?

* Thanks in anticipation of you support.

YAKKO: You're welcome in anticipation of you imprisonment.

* Sincerely,

WAKKO: Here it comes! What goofy, possibly fecal-related name is our friend cursed with?

* Mr. Sly Oliver

ALL: (sigh in disgust)  
WAKKO: Really? "Sly Oliver"? Come on, I wanted something like, "Mbumbe Fookoochookwu", or "Mr. Muatufalafel", or something with lots of vowels in it!  
DOT: Nigerian businessman, my fanny. Sounds more like some cheesy action hero.  
YAKKO: "Sly Oliver, Private Eye!" This fall on NBC!

* Tel: 234-8037202155

YAKKO: Nice one, Sly. Prepare to have adult movies charged to your phone number!  
YAKKO+WAKKO: _Helllllllooooooooooooooooooo_, Nurse!  
DOT: Boys...

* Fax:234-9-2721548

WAKKO: I sincerely hope he enjoys receiving 500 copies of my bare...  
YAKKO: Wait, there's still one more message to pick apart!  
WAKKO: Awwwwwww...  
DOT: Soon, Wakko.

* * *

* Dear Sir,  
* SEEKING YOUR IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE.

WAKKO: **HULK HAVE BIG EXCESS MONEY! DEPOSIT WITH **_**YOU**_**!**

* Please Permit me to make your acquaintance in so  
* informal a manner.

YAKKO: Please permit me to invite you to lightly touch my buttocks with your lips.

* This is necessitated by my urgent need to reach a  
* dependable and trust wordy foreign  
* partner.

DOT: Hey, look who's calling who a wordy foreign partner!

* This request may seem strange and  
* unsolicited

WAKKO: And illegal, though that might be a bit obvious...

* but I will crave your indulgence

YAKKO: Whoa, we're getting into a whole weird area here!  
DOT: Crave your indulgence. New Ghiradelli squares.

* and pray that you view it  
* seriously.

WAKKO: **BAHAHAHAHAHA**...oh...uh, sorry.

* My name is MR TEMI JOHNSON of the  
* Democratic Republic of Congo

YAKKO: Not to be confused with the totally un-democratic, un-republic version of Congo that lies right next door.  
DOT: Temi Johnson, Congolese Businessman. This fall on USA!

* and One of the close aides to the former  
* President of the Democratic Republic of Congo  
* LAURENT KABILA of blessed  
* memory,

WAKKO: Bet he was teased a lot for a name like that.

* may his soul rest in peace.  
* Due to the military campaign of LAURENT KABILA

YAKKO: Whose name must be shouted to the high heavens at all times, apparently...

* to force out the rebels in my country, I and some of my  
* colleagues were instructed by Late President Kabila

DOT: Laurent Kabila – still handing out legislation despite the adverse handicap of being dead.

* to go abroad to purchase arms and ammunition worth of  
* Twenty Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only  
* (US$20,500,000.00)

YAKKO: Notice how it's in _our_ currency instead of theirs?  
WAKKO: This is so stupid (nonsensical).

* to fight the rebel group. But when  
* President Kabila was killed in a bloody shoot-out by one of his aide a day  
* before we were schedule to travel out of Congo,  
* We immediately decided to divert the fund into a private security company  
* here in Congo for safe keeping.

YAKKO: And because we're totally not insane, that's where it remains today. The end.

* The security of  
* the said amount is presently being threatened here

DOT: The bullies on the playground won't stop calling it names.

* following the arrest  
* and seizure of properties of Col. Rasheidi Karesava (One of the aides to Laurent Kabila)

WAKKO: So, what significance does that have on the storage of the mon—  
YAKKO (butting in): Yes, this certainly was a pickle! We had no other choice!

* a tribesman, and some other Military  
* Personnel from our same tribe, by the new  
* President of the Democratic Republic of Congo, the son of late President  
* Laurent Kabila, Joseph Kabila.

YAKKO: Whose father, we reiterate, is the late former president Laurent Kabila. Who is dead. And was the president.

* In view of this, we need a reliable and trustworthy foreign partner

DOT: Wordiness preferred but not required.

* who can assist us to move this money out of my country  
* as the beneficiary.

WAKKO: Again, there is no other bank on the whole continent of Africa in which we can place this money. You're buying this, right?

* WE have sufficient ''CONTACTS'

YAKKO: Quotation marks, indicating that all they have are cheap sunglasses.

* to move the fund under Diplomatic Cover to  
* a security company in the europe

DOT: Hey, where do you live?  
WAKKO: Oh, somewhere in the europe.

* in your name. This is to ensure that the Diplomatic Baggage is marked  
* ''CONFIDENTIAL'' and it will not pass through normal  
* custom/airport screening and clearance.

YAKKO: ...without us being dragged out of the airport in handcuffs.

* Our inability to move this money out of Congo all  
* This while lies

DOT: It sure _is_ all lies.

* on our lack of trust on our supposed good friends (western  
* countries)

WAKKO: Except for Brazil, who gave us that lovely gift basket.

* who suddenly became hostile to those  
* of us who worked with the late President Kabila,

YAKKO: Have you ever imagined that your incessant amounts of spam might have something to do with it?

* immediately after his son  
* took office. Though we have neither seen nor  
* met each other, the information We gathered

DOT: What, is that like the royal "we"?  
YAKKO: We are _not_ amused.

* from an associate  
* who has worked in your country has encouraged and convinced us that with  
* your sincere assistance,

WAKKO: ...you will be reduced to surviving on food stamps in no more than a week.

* this transaction will  
* be properly handled with modesty  
* and honesty to a huge success

YAKKO: If you could lie through your teeth with a keyboard, he'd be doing it right now.

* The said money is a state  
* fund and therefore requires a total  
* confidentiality.

DOT: Followed by a quick perm.

* Thus, if you are willing to assist us move this fund out of Congo,

WAKKO: And my friend is moving out of town next week. Could you maybe help lift some furniture?

* you can  
* contact me through my email address above

YAKKO: Great, 'cause I've got a CIH virus that I'm just _itching_ to send you!

* with  
* your telephone, fax number and personal information

WAKKO: Ah, personal information! Now _that's_ more like it!  
DOT: Now, see, _that's_ how you're supposed to do it, Sly Oliver. Shape up!

* to enable us discuss  
* the modalities and what will be your share  
* (percentage) for assisting us.

WAKKO: Which will be somewhere between zero (nothing) and zilch (bupkiss).

* I must use this opportunity and medium to implore You to exercise the  
* utmost indulgence

YAKKO: Heck, I do that all the time when I'm alone!  
DOT: _Thanks_ for the detail.

* to keep this Matter extraordinarily  
* confidential, Whatever your Decision, while I await your prompt response.  
* Thank you and GodBless.

YAKKO: You're welcome and RoastInDante'sInfernoForEternity.

* Best Regards

DOT: The Breakfast Club.

* MR TEMI JOHNSON  
* TEL:44 7775770781(SATELLITE PHONE)

DOT: Well, that's that, then.  
WAKKO: Gentlemen, I believe the fax machine is calling my name.  
YAKKO: You do that. As for me, I've got some more phone calls to make...


	4. FREE BULK EMAIL FRIENDLY ISP!

_**In honor of the beginning of the NASCAR season, I present this "bulk E-mail software" spam, courtesy of the Warner brothers & sister, complete with an opening sketch to celebrate the occasion. Enjoy.**_

* * *

Interior: Water tower.

The Warner siblings have come up with another creative way to spend their time. They've converted their little rollercoaster (though how they even managed to procure that is a mystery, but hey, it's a cartoon) into a go-kart track just wide enough for three karts to fit side-by-side. Right now, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot having a one-lap race around the rollercoaster.

The three karts, all bearing Warner Bros. Studios sponsorship stickers, are racing three-wide as they reach the finish line. At the very last moment, Wakko's kart takes the lead, moving ahead of the two others. Just before the finish, he parks his car parallel to the finish line..._right in front of Yakko and Dot_.

A collision is now inevitable. Just before the three karts make impact, all three drivers push a button on their respective dashboards, launching them out of their vehicles and into the air. As they land - awkwardly, on their fannies - Yakko and Dot's still-moving karts careen into Wakko's prone machine, and...

**_KA-BOOM!_**

The collision causes a massive fireball, probably way too massive for three go-karts with 2 gallons of fuel in their tanks to create. The explosion throws debris in every direction, and even blows some of the Warners' furniture into the wall. And it looks darned pretty, to boot. Essentially, it was like Le Mans 1955, only without all the death.

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot look on in astonishment and awe at the sight before them. Wakko, in particular, is filming the event with a camcorder he pulled from his gag-bag.

WAKKO: Wooooooooooowwww...  
DOT: That is...**ACK!** (She ducks to dodge a flying hubcap) ...somethin'.  
WAKKO: So...who won?  
DOT: Who cares? Just look at all the carnage we created!  
YAKKO: 1800 bucks down the drain, but it was all...AAH! (ducks to dodge incoming wheel) ...worth it.

At that moment, alarms and sirens go off all around the tower, dousing it in red light. But this _isn't_ for the fiery wreck...

YAKKO: Uh-oh, sibs. It's that time again!  
WAKKO: To order lunch from an Automat?  
DOT: To watch mediocre college basketball on FOX Sports 1?  
YAKKO: No...it's time to read today's spam letter! To the computer room!

Yakko and Dot rush off. Wakko stays behind, putting out the fire by unleashing a massive burp, blowing it out instantly. Then Wakko joins the others at the three poles at the corner of the room. The three slide down the poles like firemen, until they reach the computer room on the next floor down.

* - BULK EMAIL EXPLOSION

YAKKO: They all blew up! No more spam!  
ALL: **YAY!**  
DOT: I hope there was a HUGE fireball!  
WAKKO: I hope the spammers writhed in agony, with their limbs strewn all over the ground!

* *** ANNOUNCING ***

ALL: ...oh.

* BULK FRIENDLY E-MAIL ACCOUNTS PLUS ...

DOT: His partner, "SKULL FRIENDLY E-MAIL ACCOUNTS".

* BUILT IN 24 HOUR CA$H GENERATOR!

WAKKO: A machine that can generate cash out of thin air?  
YAKKO: Yep, just like the Chromecast, only _far_ less useless.

* It's True, Finally After Many Years of Searching for A Bulk Email Friendly  
* ISP,

DOT: Yes, I can't tell you how long I've been looking for an ISP that _accepts_ spam!

* not only have we found only,

YAKKO: But we have done only and seen only!

* but one that is AFFORDABLE...IT'S FREE!

WAKKO: Yep. That would be considered affordable, all right.

* Well...it's not totally FREE,

ALL: (angry groaning)  
YAKKO: Only took seven lines for this thing to admit it's a fraud...

* but when you refer only 4 people to them  
* they will pay you $25.00 per person,

DOT: In a desperate and vain attempt to get you to stop sending them junk.

* per month, which will cover the cost of the  
* service!

* This is NOT MLM,

YAKKO: This is not...uh...Mary...Lyler Moore? Or...Metro-Loldwyn-Mayer? Or...  
DOT: That was a bit of a stretch, wasn't it?  
YAKKO: I've got nowhere to go with this material.

* but rather an ongoing commission program whereby this  
* company pays $25.00 per person, per month.

WAKKO: Why? No reason. We just figured we'd do something with our money now that the slot car shop has closed...

* THAT COULD LEAD TO  
* THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS REAL QUICK!

DOT: But it'll amount to $371 after taxes, so don't get your hopes up.

* I don't know about you, but I'm jumping on the bandwagon NOW!

YAKKO: Words every Dodgers fan has uttered at least once in their life.

* With 1,000,000 new people signing up for new internet access every month,

DOT: ...there literally _is_ a sucker born every minute!

* the requests for a service such as this will be staggering!

YAKKO: Yep. Just imagine all the phone calls.  
WAKKO: "Hello, I would like to be conned into using spam to recruit future spammers!"

* So How Much Is This Service?

WAKKO: How about answering, "_WHAT_ is this service?"

* ONLY $95.00 PER MONTH!

(All three burst into derisive laughter)  
YAKKO: $95 a month?! That's more than we pay for cable!

* What Do You All Get For $95.00 Per Month?

DOT: Lots of expensive paperweights?  
YAKKO: Another day older and deeper in debt?  
WAKKO: A set of steak knives? **PLEASE** tell me it's steak knives!

* The Best Value and Services:  
* Unlimited Email Transfers!

WAKKO: Good for hiding them all from "the man" when the time comes!

* Toll-Free Customer and Technical Service!

DOT: Hello, this is Spamco Tech Support. If you are requesting help for our "Whatever-The-Heck-This-Is" product...well, TOUGH TOENAILS! You've been scammed, sweetheart! Hahahahahaha! ...Hold, please. (hums Muzak version of "St. Elmo's Fire")

* FTP for Members to Upload Their Web Pages!  
* Completely Flame and Mail Bomb Proof!

WAKKO: Oh, _darn!_ (Reluctantly puts flamethrower and bombs back into gag bag)

* (1) Bulk Email POWER MassMail Account!

YAKKO: Boy, that was my favorite anime series! Until 4Kids got to it...

* (10) Megabytes Bullet-Proof/Flame-Proof Webspace!

WAKKO: No bullets either? No fair! (dejectedly places assault rifle back in gag bag)  
DOT: Okay...the bombs I understand, but an assault rifle? Why?  
WAKKO: I couldn't find a Glock 22 anywhere, so I had to settle.  
YAKKO: Aaahhhhhh...let's just table this issue for after the spam...

* (2) Bulk Email Autoresponders!  
* (1) 100% SECURE ORDER FORM-For your products!

YAKKO: Oh, thank God. I thought it was for my arrest.

* **FREE 250 Site Submission

DOT: Boy, that was my favorite late-80s FOX detective show!  
YAKKO: Lemme guess...was it Johnny Depp?  
DOT: _Helllllllllooooooooooooooooooo_, Nurse!  
YAKKO+WAKKO: Girls...

* EVERY QUARTER!  
* **FREE Bulk Email Account Reseller Site!

WAKKO: That's right! Free the BEARS!  
YAKKO+DOT: Huh?  
WAKKO: Look at the first letter of each word.  
DOT: Oh.

* -Earn $25 per account EVERY MONTH!  
* **FREE Explosive Marketing Techniques Reseller Site!

YAKKO (salesman voice): And as a special bonus, I'll throw in this matchbox and this box of oily rags...absolutely free!

* -Earn $10 per package sold...EASIEST SALE YOU'll EVER MAKE!

YAKKO: Hi, I'm selling you a mystery product which we can't tell you anything about, that will perform a task that we don't understand, to somehow make you piles of money, using methods that are probably horribly illegal! And it costs $95 a month!  
WAKKO: I'll take it!

* All For Only $95 a month! With a one time $55 set-up fee!

DOT: Because we haven't screwed you over enough!

* What a GREAT DEAL!

WAKKO: ...of legal troubles you will stir up by using our product!

* Once you become a customer they will automatically  
* enroll you into their Agent reseller program.

DOT: "They?"  
YAKKO (full-on Dennis Hopper): That's right, man! It's been the Pentagon the whole time, man! They're gonna make you one of **them!**

* This will enable you to get  
* them to pay for your

DOT: ...terrible life choices that led you to even consider this offer.

* Bulk Email account. Imagine...emailing thousands of  
* your sales messages a day, collecting obscene profits from all your  
* sales...

YAKKO: Or, more accurately, collecting obscene, hateful replies from your attempted suckers.

* and they're paying for it!

WAKKO: Oh, yes...they are paying _dearly_ for it...bwahahahahaha...  
YAKKO: Uh...Wakko?  
WAKKO: ...hahaha...oh, uh...sorry. I dozed off.

* PROTECT YOUR PRIMARY ISP ... PERMANENTLY!

DOT: By getting them Norton so they don't have to deal with this malarkey!

* POWER MassMail shelters your primary ISP address, and provides you with a  
* 100% safe and permanent ISP,

YAKKO: Protected from those stupid, nasty junk e-mails we all hate...hey, wait a minute...

* for a reliable Bulk Email friendly mailing  
* point. Unlimited e-mails, flame and bomb proof,

WAKKO: (disgusted mumbling to himself)

* non dial-up, Web Page

YAKKO: Lemming herder.  
WAKKO: Bull fighter.  
DOT: Pit bull trainer.  
YAKKO: Dallas Cowboys fan.  
WAKKO: Zamboni driver.  
DOT: Tired of these gag credits.

* hosting.

* UNLIMITED E-MAILING!  
* No limit to how many e-mails you can send.

DOT: Well, yes, that would pretty much define "unlimited", wouldn't it?

* Imagine the possibilities. Be on  
* a level playing field with the big boys.

YAKKO: There are "big boys" of spam?  
WAKKO: Well, I imagine that most spammers probably don't tend to exercise a lot.

* There is only ONE connection  
* allowed per POWER MassMail account

WAKKO: OKAY then, I will KEEP that advice in MIND.

* All mailers are allowed except  
* "stealth" type mailers. Our server configuration doesn't interact properly  
* with stealth mailers (because) of the resources these mailers take up)

WAKKO: (Okay) then, I will (keep) that advice in (mind).  
DOT: All right, once was enough.

* and will shut down any account utilizing these programs.

* NON DIAL UP

YAKKO: Figures that they would ban all deodorant.

* ... FREE ACCESS WITH YOUR REGULAR ISP!

WAKKO: Well, that's a good thing for Daffy and Plucky...oh, wait, that says "ISP". Never mind.

* No costly dial-up phone charges. Dial up accounts will double the cost of  
* your account over the year from toll calls to send and receive your mail.

DOT: That's in addition to all of the calls you'll make to us saying, "Are you (bleep)ing kidding me, you (bleep)ing (bleep)er?! What the (bleep) is your (bleep)ing problem?!"  
WAKKO: Whoa, whoa, whoa!  
YAKKO: Okay, no need to blow a gasket. This is rated TV-Y7 FV, you know.

* Our server costs nothing for phone calls. You access POWER MassMail simply  
* by logging on to your regular ISP, then POP

YAKKO: ...goes your Internet service after your ISP cuts you off for associating with spam e-mail software!

* in with your present e-mail  
* program. You are then automatically connected to the POWER MassMail network

DOT: Where we will air reruns of "Monk" and "Law and Order SVU" 24 hours a day.

* with multi T-1 access.

WAKKO: Boy, that's my favorite brand of steak sauce!

* Save hundreds of dollars on phone bills!

DOT: By not being able to afford a phone once we've done our work!

* FTP FOR MEMBERS!  
* As a member, you'll be able to file transfer your web pages to your  
* flameproof web space. You receive 10 MB of space

YAKKO: Which, I reiterate, is a vast interplanetary system stretching seven hundred billion miles long.

* to set up your business  
* home pages. Members can update their web pages with our dedicated "High  
* Speed Relay Servers".

WAKKO: Where trained greyhounds will take your updates and race from server to server, delivering your HTML in mere _weeks_!

* Utilizing a DS3 (27 T1's) connection, members can  
* access their FTP site along with their registered User Name and Password.

DOT: Leaving no holes for hackers whatsoever!

* This is an absolute must

YAKKO (singing): ...to avoid...a complete impossibility...  
DOT: Wow, we're really scraping the bottom of the obscure references today, huh?

* to keep your web site up-to-date with current  
* information and business offers.

WAKKO: Business offers? Like...spam on spamware? The mind boggles. (makes "gookie" face to illustrate)

* Along with our web necessories

ALL: **"Necessories"?!**

* and other  
* tools, you can develop a professional, business oriented home page in no  
* time. ONLY RESTRICTION:

YAKKO (fast-talker radio guy): No-professionalism-business-orient-or-tools-allowed-offer-void-in-Utah-prices-and-participation-may-vary.

* No adult, pornographic, x-rated, sexually explicit  
* or sexually offense material will be allowed on our server.

ALL: _Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..._  
YAKKO+WAKKO: Goodbye, nurse...

* COMPLETELY FLAME AND MAILBOMB PROOF!

WAKKO (desperate): WHAT ABOUT A SEMI-AUTOMATIC?! WOULD THAT WORK?!  
DOT: Just...let it be, Wakko.

* Flamers can no longer annoy the postmaster,

YAKKO: Because he finally cracked yesterday, gunning down five of his co-workers in a stress-induced frenzy.

* because POWER MassMail was set  
* up especially for commercial bulk e-mailing. Mail bombs are automatically  
* bounced back to the sender

WAKKO: Even if _we_ send them?!  
YAKKO: Yeah, that flaw's gonna be corrected in version 2.0.

* due to the powerful mail filters at our servers.  
* We just won't accept it!

DOT: We won't accept that Fringe was canceled! I need more universe-jumping nonsense!

* As long as you maintain a "remove-me" list and use  
* our FREE emailing list washer...

YAKKO: Your clothes will remain bright and vibrant!

* you will NOT get shut down!

* SUPPORT SERVICES!

WAKKO: **WHOO!** SERVICES!  
DOT: Uhh...what are you doing now?  
WAKKO: I don't know, but they told me to support it, so...

* POWER MassMail also provides you with a total support system,

DOT: _Emotional_ support for those victimized by our weasel tactics.

* including  
* Toll-Free Customer and Technical Support.

YAKKO: "Toll-free customer"?  
WAKKO: You know, a customer with no bells attached.  
YAKKO: I see, so...wait, huh?

* Online set-up guide for ALL  
* accounts. 24 hr. email support (except on Sundays).

WAKKO: Can't go to Chick-Fil-A on Sunday, can't get tech support on Sunday...what _can_ a guy do on Sunday?  
DOT: What does it matter? You usually sleep in all weekend.  
WAKKO: True, true...

* We also provide other  
* needed marketing resources for ALL online marketing entrepeneurs.

YAKKO: That means _you_, Zuckerberg, whether you like it or not!

* Do you  
* need a bulletproof Web Page? WE HAVE EM!

DOT: And we're cutting her toes off unless Dorothy brings us the dough!

* Send bulk email and direct them  
* to your website on our servers. NEVER GET SHUT DOWN!

WAKKO: I can't tell if that's a guarantee or a request...

* BUILT IN 24 Hour a Day "CASH GENERATOR"!

YAKKO (spot-on Pinky impression): Brilliant, Brain! Uh, no, wait...

* Included with every POWER MassMail account is a TURN-KEY CASH GENERATOR.

YAKKO: With the right amount of fiber, those pesky birds can-  
DOT: **TURN**-key, Yakko. With an N.  
YAKKO: Oh...darn it, I thought I had something going here...

* We set-up your very own Bulk Email Account reseller site, where you will earn  
* $25 for each account that you refer to us...EVERY MONTH!

DOT (as Katie): Whaddya mean, **_"EVERY MONTH"?!_**

* Also included is  
* our HOTTEST selling marketing package, "Explosive Marketing Techniques".  
* This will be one of the easiest sales you will ever make.

WAKKO: Yes, it's a cinch for you to sell your package!  
YAKKO: (blows kiss) Good night, everybody!

* With this 'CASH  
* GENERATOR' you will be making LOADS OF CASH

DOT: Which would, theoretically, explain why it is called a "CASH GENERATOR".

* and getting YOUR BULK EMAIL  
* ACCOUNT FREE in NO TIME FLAT!

YAKKO: "No time" in this case meaning that we will take no time to ever send you one.

* OK, OK, STOP FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!

WAKKO: I can't! I'm rabid!

* I'LL GIVE YOU THE ADDRESS!

YAKKO: "Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent..."

* VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

DOT: And now a message "Totally for Kids!"

* When signing up you will see a box on the Online Secure Order Form

WAKKO: It contains a time bomb that will detonate in four hours.

* that asks for your PSG# (located right after your email address). That is where  
* you put your sponsor ID#. In this case you need to enter "DHAIT" into the  
* PSG#.

YAKKO (as Pinky): Duh-hait!

* YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE ANY COMMISSIONS

DOT: If you don't finish the chores, young man!

* WITHOUT ENTERING THIS!  
* Also, please email me at biz... to confirm that you signed up.

WAKKO: Or if you just want to chat...because...I'm lonely.

* OK, HERE YOU GO! READ IT AND WHEEP!

(The Warners make annoying "WHEEEEEEEEP" sound effects for ten seconds.)

* ****:/***.umakarate.***/usfs/bulkmail.****

YAKKO: And if you cancel, I'll give you a roundhouse kick _right_ in your IP address, bub!

* PLEASE EMAIL ME AFTER YOU SIGNED UP AT BIZ...

WAKKO: Because, again, I could use the companionship.

* ****:/***.umakarate.***/usfs/bulkmail.****

YAKKO: Uuuuuhhhhhhhhh...

* PLEASE EMAIL ME AFTER YOU SIGNED UP AT BIZ...

WAKKO: Do you like long walks on the beach, too?

* ****:/***.umakarate.***/usfs/bulkmail.****

YAKKO: Hold on...

* PLEASE EMAIL ME AFTER YOU SIGNED UP AT BIZ...

WAKKO: My favorite game is UNO! Do you like UNO?

* ****:/***.umakarate.***/usfs/bulkmail.****

YAKKO: Something's not right here...

* PLEASE EMAIL ME AFTER YOU SIGNED UP AT BIZ...

WAKKO: Monopoly? Backgammon? ...Anything?

* ****:/***.umakarate.***/usfs/bulkmail.****

YAKKO: I mean, really, there's just something _weird_ going on here...

* PLEASE EMAIL ME AFTER YOU SIGNED UP AT BIZ...

WAKKO: I haven't known the touch of a woman in 17 years...

* ****:/***.umakarate.***/usfs/bulkmail.****

YAKKO: Something sinister is at work here, but I can't put my finger on what...

* PLEASE EMAIL ME AFTER YOU SIGNED UP AT BIZ...

WAKKO: I...okay, there's only so many loneliness jokes I can make. **WOULDJA WRAP IT UP ALREADY?!**

* ****:/***.umakarate.***/usfs/bulkmail.****

YAKKO: Oh, wait, now I know! The darn record's stuck! (pounds on monitor with left fist)

* $$$ GET A FREE $10.00 LONG DISTANCE CALLING CARD $$$  
* at netel/netbiz.h…

DOT: The dollar signs _really_ do a good job of hiding their true intentions, don't they?  
WAKKO: You know what _my_ intention is?  
YAKKO: What, Wakko?  
WAKKO: (Pulls out bombs, flamethrower, assault rifle) I think it's time we take this guy up on his offer...  
DOT: Right-o!  
YAKKO: Good night, everybody!


End file.
